Thursday, September 6, 2012

50 Shades of Grey chapter 19 in which we meet the family!

It's Thursday, and I went out with friends who had to do things early when I don't work tomorrow, so I am now left drunken and bored. I figured it was time to bring back some drunk blogging for you guys! It certainly makes things better on this end! So half a pitcher of sangria, a margarita, and now armed with a random cooler I found in my fridge, it is mother-fucking blogging time. Strap yourselves in, for Drunk Erika has risen like a fiery, off kilter phoenix!

So Grey wakes Ana up with surprising gentleness (booo. I want a bucket of water!) because they need to leave to go to dinner with his parents! She's already met his mother, but she's still nervous (reasonable) but glad Kate will be there for support! I assume by "support" she means "other target" but neh. So Grey wanders off and Ana starts to get ready, finding her dress and bra but-

Where are my panties? I check beneath the chair. Nothing. Then I remember – he squirreled them away in the pocket of his jeans. I flush at the memory, after he, I can’t even bring myself to think about it, he was so – barbarous. I frown. Why hasn’t he given me back my panties?

The barbarous thing was huffing them, for those of you who need a reminder. He hasn't given them back because THEY'RE HIS ALL HIS MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! So Ana, trying real hard to become coy on us, declares that she will not give him the satisfaction of asking for them back! No! Ana will meet his parents going commando! She's so proud of herself for this, it'd be endearing if I wasn't so exhausted and annoyed at her for being, well, Ana. If you're reading this you've read the other chapters, I don't need to list why I dislike her character, do I? Good. Glad you agree! Her subconscious is scandalized, her inner goddess is thrilled, because Grey will go CRAZAY! Me? I'm fresh out of fucks to give and wish her subconscious and inner goddess would just get into a cage match already.Seriously, think about it. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY ON PAY PER VIEW FOR THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN JUST STANDS IN THE RING AND SCREAMS AS HER INNER DEMONS CLAW EACH OTHERS EYES OUT! TUNE IN FOR THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT!

So Ana showers, dresses, brushes out the braid he styled her hair into and gets specific about a drink he left her. CRANBERRY AND SPARKLING WATER! Did you give a fuck? BECAUSE I DON'T ANA! I DON'T CARE WHAT GREY LEAVES YOU TO DRINK. I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S DELICIOUS. OF COURSE IT IS. CRANBERRIES ARE TASTY MOTHERFUCKERS.

Christian is standing by the panoramic window, wearing the grey flannel pants that I love, the ones that hang in that unbelievably sexy way off his hips, and of course, a white linen shirt. Doesn’t he have any other colors?

He doesn't even have colors! Grey and white and black are all shades! Seriously, what the hell dude? So Grey and Ana banter a little, Grey waiting for Ana to demand her panties back, and Ana is all "Oh, Sinatra, eh?" and Grey is shocked since she knows it. Dude, it's fucking Sinatra. Who doesn't?

Frank starts crooning… an old song, one of Ray’s favorites. ‘Witchcraft.’ Christian leisurely traces his fingertips down my cheek, and I feel it all the way down there.
“Dance with me,” he murmurs, his voice husky.


LEAVE SINATRA OUT OF THIS JAMES! JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE! IS NOTHING SAFE?! IS NOTHING SACRED?! Grey then leads the incredibly clumsy and I think wearing heels Ana around the room effortlessly and they glide and sweep and laugh and it's all so carefree and other such BS. I won't judge the dancing at home. I've done that. It's fun and yes, James, it is romantic. However it just feels trite here.

“There’s no nicer witch than you,” he murmurs, then kisses me sweetly.

I wanted to use a picture from Wicked, that might be because I'm listening to the sound track as I write this. 
 Grey then taunts her about underpants some more, and she refuses to budge. He laughs and shrugs it off, and they're on their way to meet the wizard his parents!

Oh, the many faces of Christian Grey. Will I ever be able to understand this mercurial man?
Nope! Ana then starts to panic about her lack of under pants and double guessing herself. She's not so good at this being coy thing.
Christian shakes his head slightly as if to clear his thoughts and gestures for me to exit before him in a most gentlemanly manner. Who’s he kidding? He’s no gentleman. He has my panties.

PANTY THIEF! 

Christian opens the rear door for me, and I climb inside as elegantly as I can, considering my state of wanton undress. I’m grateful that Kate’s plum dress is so clingy and hangs to the top of my knees.
First rule of getting into and out of cars in a skirt: Knees together. Also if the dress is that clingy and you're not clean shaven, it might be real apparent that you're not wearing panties. Just sayin. We'll assume it isn't, but still, super clingy with a lack of panty lines... Gonna be suspicious.  Or just... HERE'S SOME PUBIC HAIR!

So Taylor is driving this time and Grey starts to get SULLEN! Ana, wanting to keep him pleasant and in the moment starts asking him where he learned to dance. Mrs Robinson, which leads Ana to speculate some more. 

My scalp prickles. Did she have the best of him? Before he became so closed? Or did she bring him out of himself? ....
And then there’s the Red Room of Pain. I rub my wrists reflexively – thin strips of plastic will do that to a girl. She taught him all that too or ruined him, depending on one’s point of view. Or perhaps he would have found his way there anyway in spite of Mrs. R. I realize, in that moment, that I hate her. I hope that I never meet her because I will not be responsible for my actions if I do. I can’t remember ever feeling this passionately about anyone, especially someone I’ve never met. Gazing unseeing out of the window, I nurse my irrational anger and jealousy.

I considered glossing this part over, but I feel it's important. Ana is deciding she hates Grey's ex, who he has said he is still on good terms and friends with, because she "ruined" him. I just, arg. Fail. So much fail Ana. That's like saying "I wish this person had never discovered Magic: The Gathering" if Grey is into this, he would have found it one way or another, or something like it. The part here that really drives me batty is the "I can't be held responsible for my actions" BITCH YES YOU CAN AND WILL BE! You are an ADULT! It is reasonable to expect you not to fly into a blind rage and pimp slap a bitch because she used to bone your boyfriend and you decided she ruined him! Now, if she was raging because it was statutory rape, I'd be cutting her slack, but Ana's priorities are whacked.

That’s the bottom line. I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part.
Soooo him being abusive and manipulative is all fine cause you like him? Okay then? I would have preferred you blame it on lady-boners. Grey then snaps out of his mood and starts to actually talk to Ana again. The conversation boils down to "So, zip ties?" "Yeah. They're brutal, but I like that. Keeps you in your place" *Heavy breathing* and Ana keeps sulking. She's gonna be in an awesome head-space to meet his folks! Thinks Mrs. Robinson is going to be there? She is a friend of Grey's Mom...
“Penny for your thoughts?” he asks.
I sigh and frown.
“That bad, huh?”
“I wish I knew what you were thinking.”
He smirks at me.
“Ditto, baby,”

Ugh. Know how you could fix this problem guys? BY TELLING EACH OTHER YOU ASS WIPES!

So they get to the house and Grace (Mrs. Grey) is all warm and huggy and Mr. Grey is all warm and his sister Mia just comes FUCKING BOUNDING out of the house to give Ana a great big hug! She's the same age as Ana, so I guess James decided she didn't like Rosalie and opted to copy/paste Alice. Naturally all three of them are attractive. So Mia who is the first brunette woman besides Ana in this book, which means she'll be Ana's NEW BFFF. Mia drags Ana into the house as the Grey's greet their son before following. 

Mia has not let go of my hand.
She reads like she's 11 not 21. So she'll make a great new best friend for Ana! So they go into the next room where Elliot and Kate are getting their snuggle on. Elliot and Kate give Ana GREAT BIG HUGS AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM THINKS ANA IS AWESOME AND LOVES HER!

I flush scarlet, and seeing Kate sitting with Elliot, it occurs to me suddenly that the only reason Christian invited me is because Kate is here. Elliot probably freely and happily asked Kate to meet his parents. Christian was trapped – knowing that I would have found out via Kate. I frown at the thought. He’s been forced into the invitation. The realization is bleak and depressing. My subconscious nods sagely, a you’ve-finally-worked-it-out-stupid look on her face.
So that time he bullied you into meeting his Mom, that was because he was forced too, right? I think the only person who hates Ana more then me is Ana herself. Grey's even made some efforts to be a little physical with her in front of her family (arm around the waist kinda thing) but Ana still keeps thinking he just isn't trying. Grey could have not invited you, Ana. Then when you called him on it he could say he felt it was too fast. He didn't NEED to do anything! He has made it very clear that he wouldn't do something if he damned well didn't want to.

“We were just talking about vacations, Ana,” Mr. Grey says kindly. “Elliot has decided to follow Kate and her family to Barbados for a week.”
I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She’s delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!

Oh God. Really? He's just going to tag along and they're going to bone all the time on a family vacation? What does Elliot do that he can just drop everything to go on vacation at a moments notice? Also Ana, let Kate be happy and giddy over her new relationship you awful judgmental harpy. I know misery loves company but come on.

Ana then mentions she was thinking about going to Georga to visit her Mother. Oh, dear. Grey didn't know that and is PISSED. Sneaky, soft pissed, though. Grilling her on when she's going and how long she'll be gone for. Ana doesn't really know and doesn't have specifics planned out, which she's telling him, but apparently she'd be leaving tomorrow night? I'm as surprised as Grey by this. It hasn't come up at all.

Holy crap… he’s angry.
“I don’t know yet. It will depend how my interviews go tomorrow.”
His jaw clenches, and Kate gets that interfering look on her face. She smiles over-sweetly.
“Ana deserves a break,” she says pointedly at Christian. Why is she so antagonistic towards him? What is her problem?
Her problem is she can see from a mile away that he's being controlling and a jerk-ass. He isn't as good at hiding his feeling and intentions as you think, Ana. So then everyone clears out to go to the dining room but Grey clutches Ana's elbow to grill her about her trip! Ana is being kind of a jerk here, but so is Grey. 

“When were you going to tell me you were leaving?” he asks urgently. His tone is soft, but he’s masking his anger.
“I’m not leaving, I’m going to see my mother, and I was only thinking about it.”
“What about our arrangement?”
“We don’t have an arrangement yet.”
He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room.
“This conversation is not over,” he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.
Oh, crapola. Don’t get your panties in such a twist… and give me back mine. I glare at him.

I get where Ana is coming from. Grey has dibs on her on weekends. She might be back before the weekend. She also has one free weekend a month. She is also talking about going to see her Mother. She should not have to clear this with him! On the other hand, if I found out my boyfriend was leaving town for an undefined amount of time tomorrow I would be upset, too. So, in short, both of them suck.
So they sit down to dinner and the room is described as being like the Heathman. You know, the most expensive hotel in town. The whole house is a picture-perfect mansion, naturally. Ana and Grey start whispering at the table about their tiff and Ana beseeches him not to be mad and is shocked when even though they`re whispering and no one can possibly over hear, Kate butts in. 

“Yes, I am mad at you.” He closes his eyes briefly.
“Palm-twitchingly mad?” I ask nervously.
“What are you two whispering about?” Kate interjects.
I flush, and Christian glares at her in a butt-out-of-this-Kavanagh kind of way – even Kate wilts under his stare.
“Just about my trip to Georgia,” I say sweetly, hoping to diffuse their mutual hostility.
Kate, fuck off. If you want to antagonize your friend's douche bag boyfriend, do it in a way that won`t get your friend in trouble. It get's worse though. SO much worse.
“How was José when you went to the bar with him on Friday?”
Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back at me, and I realize she’s trying to make Christian jealous. How little she knows. I thought I’d got away with this.
“He was fine,” I murmur.
Christian leans over.
“Palm-twitchingly mad,” he whispers. “Especially now.” His tone is quiet and deadly.

See? Kate is the worst friend ever. Ana has made no indication she WANTS Grey to be jealous, and if Kate sucked less, she'd leave it at that. I get it. Kate doesn't like Grey. I don't blame her. I would too in her position, but you know what? You're at a dinner with his family. Being a dick to one son and sucking the face of the other is tacky and not going to endear you to anyone.

So the help comes in with Grace to help her set the table and start eyeing Grey and it is only now Ana starts to think the night couldn't get any worse. Then Grace get's a random call from the hospital because some kid has the measles. It's a stretch, I mean, there is no reason for anyone to call a senior doctor over that sort of thing unless they needed her to come in urgently because so many kids have measles that the hospital is over flowing and all hands must be on deck! However there is an obvious reason for this call.

“I’m so glad our children never went through that. They never caught anything worse than chicken pox, thank goodness. Poor Elliot,” she says as she sits down, smiling indulgently at her son. Elliot frowns mid chew and squirms uncomfortably. “Christian and Mia were lucky. They got it so mildly, only a spot to share between them.”

Why is this important? Because it rules out the scars on Grey's chest being something innocent. 

Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven’t signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won’t. Perhaps I’ll stay in Georgia where he can’t reach me.
 Yes, as we all know, running away solves all problems. The Greys chat politely amongst themselves and Grace tries to get Ana talking a little, then Gretchen, the maid, comes to clear things and brushes too close to Grey and Ana starts just seething with jealousy again. Like, super jealous. Grey is ignoring this woman, so Ana is one of those girls who wants women to get their eyes off HER mayun! I'm also bothered that every woman in this book (except Kate) is just magnetically drawn to Grey, and you could argue that Kate's loathing of him stems from obsession. She's always going on about how he's such a rich babe after all. James, we GET it. Grey's perfect on the surface. Lay off it now. Most waitresses or maids would know better then to even try to look at Grey in this situation!

He places his hand on my knee – his fingers traveling up my thigh. My whole body tightens in response. No… not here, not now. I flush and shift, trying to pull away from him. His hand clamps down on my thigh, stilling me.
Pure. Class.
“So what was wrong with the Parisians?” Elliot asks his sister. “Didn’t they take to your winsome ways?”
“Ugh, no they didn’t. And Monsieur Floubert, the ogre I was working for, he was such a domineering tyrant.”

The poor French get hated on so much. I can't speak for the Parisians. I haven't been to France (yet! I will and just food-nerd all over the place one day!) but I know that the Canadian French get an unfair rap too. So the Greys banter and it's all warm and loving and wonderful yadda yadda.

Elliot holds forth about his latest building project, a new eco-friendly community to the north of Seattle.
So he's an architect? Civil engineer? They can just piss off for a few weeks? Kate and Elliot make eyes at each other and Ana is thinking it's sexy this time, which is jarring considering how harsh she's been on them so far. 
I sigh and peek up at Fifty Shades.

It's his nick-name now. Awesome. 

Christian, feigning interest in their conversation, puts his hand once more on my knee, and his fingers travel up my thigh. My breathing hitches, and I press my thighs together in a bid to halt his progress. I can see him smirk.
“Shall I give you a tour of the grounds?” he asks me quite openly.
Oh God, really Grey? Really? With your whole family and baby sister right there?
“Stop, please.” I am stumbling in his wake.
He stops and gazes at me, his expression unfathomable.
“My heels. I need to take my shoes off.”
“Don’t bother,” he says, and he bends down and scoops me over his shoulder. I squeal loudly with shocked surprise, and he gives me a ringing slap on my behind.
“Keep your voice down,” he growls.
Oh no… this is not good, my subconscious is quaking at the knees. He’s mad about something – could be José, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip. Jeez, he’s easy to rile.

Wow. Just. wow. Ana can't do anything right ever, can she?

“I need to be alone with you.”
“What for?”
“Because I’m going to spank and then fuck you.”
“Why?” I whimper softly.
“You know why,” he hisses.
“I thought you were an in-the-moment guy?” I plead breathlessly.
“Anastasia, I’m in the moment, trust me.”
Holy fuck.
I get that this is supposed to be PASSION but again, this comes off as... Well, blind, impulsive rage. You know, the kind that leads to black eyes. I also want to point out some of Ana's language. She's pleading. I also want to point out when she asks "why?" as in "which thing are you mad about?" he doesn't tell her. How is she supposed to learn how NOT to piss you off if you don't tell her Grey?

That's it for this chapter. I'm glad I was drunk or this one would have hurt. Till next week dear readers!

16 comments:

  1. Grey frightens me. That temper is not the least bit attractive, or endearing. I don't understand how some people get so into him.

    Great post, Erika!

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  2. I love your recaps of the chapters and they make the whole book bearable (as well as hilarious) but I might have to peace out after this chapter. Grey's anger and jealousy and his response to it makes me sick to my stomach.

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  3. Dude, "Fifty Shades" becomes his official nickname even in the freaking marketing blurbs. I was looking at the two sequels on Amazon and both of their descriptions include lines like "But Ana knows that loving her Fifty Shades will not be easy"

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  4. Aaaaand we're back to the fail. Christian Grey, I hate you. EL James, I hate you more. Controlling, obnoxious, temperamental Edward Cullens do not need to be remade into characters that turn up those qualities to eleven.

    Also, Grey must feel very confident to say that he's going to do these things in a house that has already been known to have people basically everywhere all at once.

    His reactions are also a but confused. "I'm angry, so I'm going to spank you, which will hurt, then I'm going to have sex with you, which will presumably not hurt for some part of it. See how I rage at you." Nevermind that striking your significant other, whether girlfriend, submissive, or friend with benefits, in a fit of rage or angry is one of the surest ways to make sure that they will run away and not look back.

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  5. "Cranberries are tasty motherfuckers"... I think that's the best thing I've ever read.

    And how often does this chick say Holy crap/shit/fuck?! The fact that someone put the word crapola in a novel sent me into rage mode.

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  6. This has been a festival of suckiness, and not even in a pretend-sexy way. Sigh. Everybody put on their "hate me" cap in this chapter. I just hate them all.

    I get that Ana is under his magic spell, and she wants to be with him SO MUCH, but we were never told why. It just happened. She's miserable, scared and hurt but she LOVES him. Its ridiculous and it makes me so angry to see clear ABUSE portrayed as a Love story.

    The only good thing here, is that you keep pointing at the whole wrongness of this and making the silly stupid scenes hilarious. (Oh, and thank you for the little note about the French being hated on so much ;)

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  7. Oh, but James likes Rosalie. So much so, she made her a main character.

    *drumroll*

    She's Kate. Yeah, I can't believe it either.

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    1. I haven't actually read Twilight and the more in depth decon of it I follow hasn't hit the parts with Rosalie in it, so my knowledge of her is a little scattered. As far as I know Rosalie is supposed to be really awful to Bella for the first large chunk of the series, right? Other then "Dating the Jasper clone" I'm just lacking context. Could you be kind enough to elaborate a little?

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    2. I know you didn't ask me to elaborate, but in case our friend anonymous doesn't reply (and also because I can rarely resist giving my opinion, sorry) I can tell you a bit about it.

      I actually googled Kate and Rosalie this morning, and pretty much everyone agrees, Kate is Rosalie and Jasper is Ethan. (!!! Can't say too much more without spoiler alerts for the next books...) You can check this nice blog I found this morning, http://www.fiftyshadesofplagiarism.blogspot.ca/2012/04/fifty-shades-of-plagiarism.html#comment-form

      From the Twilight books, I was a non-Rosalie hater. Yes, she was cold, deeply self-centered, beautiful and self-centered but she was also fiercely loyal to her family and Emmett. When she cared, she cared for real. She could be very blunt about it and would always act for her own good, but still, there was something to her.

      I don't know if you've seend the movies or if you intended to read the books, I wouldn't want to spoil too much for you, but Rosalie had her reasons to be mean/cold unwelcomed to Bella. At first she was protecting her family, and then, after the secret was out, it was still about protection, but she also didn't want Bella to choose this life. She didn't want to be a Vampire, so she couldn't understand why Bella would, either. (Rose was basically gang-raped and mostly-killed before her wedding to a rich man, she was saved by Dr Cullen, who turned her, to be a companion to Edward, which he declined, leading her to find Emmett later on.)

      She really loves Emmett, they are very physical about it and have nothing to hide, making Bella a bit uncomfortable at times. Emmett took a liking to Bella right away and is always hugging her and teasing her and being competitive with her. (Any of this sound familiar yet?)

      Rosalie, after telling Bella her story, tolerated her "new-sister" although she did not agree with her choice. She would still be her first priority, but she'd have random acts of kindness towards Bella.

      And of course, having confided in Bella that her foremost regret was to never be able to have a child, ever, she was willing to do anything to protect Bella when she became pregnant. But she was also very willing to let Bella died to keep the baby alive. Her priority was the baby, because that's what she wanted.

      I'm not sure why I never disliked her, maybe it was because I could understand her point of view, her motives. Kate doesn't have that, she doesn't make the same kind of sense, but then again, we're talking 50 shades here....

      So, sorry if I hijacked this comment here, just wanted to share my 2 cents, Im always up for discussion :)

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    3. Being up for discussion is good. I know the general plot of the Twilight books. I've read Mark Reads Twilight from start to finish, but he just sort of glosses over Rosalie, or she was that unmemorable to me that beyond the "meant to be a foil to Bella in every way" didn't stick.

      I guess I didn't catch the Kate=Rosalie parallel because I see her as being an antagonist in my very limited understanding of her character. At least for the first book or so. Having her be Ana's BFFF was enough of a disguise that I didn't catch it. I'm also surprised that when James needed a BFFF she chose a Rosalie parallel as to Alice, who, in the books, actually IS Bella's BFFF, isn't she?

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    4. Yes and no, I'd say. I actually kinda see why James would choose to do that. Ana being the character she is, she has to constantly be doubting herself, be on her toes and on the verge of unhappiness. Living with a happy, truly BFFF would not help with the weak "I'm not good enough" and "everyone else is blond and pretty" mindset of the character. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that's the way I see it.

      I bet that soon enough, we will have some insight on why Kate is so harsh on Ana, or as I suspect, after a great tragedy happens (Ana being kidnapped, anyone?) maybe things get a bit better? I'm not quite sure where James is going with this, at all. The only thing I know is that she wanted to make sure Ana was never truly comfortable in her own skin, even at home... (Because she can only be happy with Grey... sigh...)

      But, I don't know, I guess I have a soft spot for Rosalie, for many reasons, but I still can't stand Kate, she needs to redeem herself, like asap....

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  8. Omg, mystery resolved! Kate is Rosalie. I totally absolutely see it now. It means Elliott is Emmett!! Why didn't I see it before??? Meaning the little sister will have a Jasper-y boyfriend eventually. This is disgusting, James, I hate you even more now... Thanks anonymous for making me see the light lol

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  9. I know this almost a year later, but I believe Kate is actually a combination of Rosalie and Jessica. In Twilight, Jessica was one of Bella's close friends. Kate's personality is like Jessica's (mostly), and her looks are like Rosalie's.

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  10. I can't be the only one who, when we learn the protagonist's name is Ana, thought "that's not an anorexia reference is it?" and now with new BFFF Mia OH GOD YES IT SURE THE HELL IS, even EL James can't be that tone deaf. Couple with the "not eating" routine and BINGO WE HAVE A WINNER.



    I hate this book more than Florida, seriously.

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  11. Jeeze.... remember in Twilight when Edward shows Bella his bedroom...and he is playing Clair de Lune and she recognizes it and he is so amazed? And then he ASKS HER TO DANCE? Did James just cut and paste scenes and then just scratch out the names from Twilight? Plus we can give annoying Belle a break because she is only, what, 16, not a college grad? Edward, well, being 600 years old or something... guess that's just creepy too...

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